i hate ponies


The following was taken from a journal entry, also called "I Hate Ponies," I posted to my deviantART account in a fit of gleeful rage. I was sifting through the front few pages of the site, which is a feat in itself, and getting more and more grossed out by the My Little Pony phenomenon. There's all kinds of creepy pny-themed shit out there. Most of it is fairly innocuous (though still weird and gag-inducing), showing happy, pastel-colored ponies doing anthropomorphic pony things. Fanart is lame, but whatever. Then I came across this image.

Seriously. What the fuck is this. It was created by this fucking creepy weirdo, who might have some artistic talent if they weren't so icky. I mean seriously. What the fuck. And yeah, I shamelessly ripped it off because whoever creates fucked-up pink pony girls deserves it.

It prompted me to write the following:

Okay, so what the hell is the appeal of the newest My Little Ponies series?

On the surface, I get it. It's got bright colors and some trippy animation that appeals to small children and stoned adults. Fine. That's great. When I was little, I fucking loved My Little Ponies. I had like 8,000 plastic ponies in various sugary colors that lived on my dresser, and they all had distinct names and personalities and had all sorts of adventures. I also did not watch the original animated series, which allowed me a certain freedom in their character conception. So yeah, I get it. Rainbow ponies are awesome. When you're six.

I also understand, to a certain extent, why people like to make art referencing their favorite cartoon characters. I'm not much into creating outright fan art (because, you know, I have my own ideas), but I get it that people are inspired by media that appeals to them. But I don't understand the fascination that compels people to dedicate SO much time to creating pony art. Like what the ponies would look like if they were humans (Spoiler alert! They have huge tits!) What REALLY creeps me out though are the images of sexy ponies, where little, brightly colored horses are put into sexual positions and giving the "come hither" look. That's fucking creepy. They're fucking ponies. Ponies. That's sick, bro(ny).

Also? To be perfectly honest? The cartoon show is crap. It's not funny, it's not well written, it's not anything but a bunch of anthropomorphized ponies with shrill voices delivering heavy-handed (hoofed?) life lessons. I got about four minutes into one episode and I was like, "That's enough of that." And this is coming from someone who waxes philosophical about 12 Oz. Mouse. Now, I understand that everyone likes different things, and that's what makes us a beautiful rainbow of humanity and all that shit, but I just don't understand why this franchise has such a dedicated and frankly downright creepy following. I think it's creepy when people create sexual-fantasy-esque images of, say, anime characters, but at least those are humans, or at least humanoids. That makes sense to me. Why the fuck are you drawing Moonlight Buttermoose or whatever the fuck laid out on a bed with her ass in the air? What the fuck is wrong with you?

For the record, and despite the title of this entry, I don't actually hate ponies. Not real ponies, anyway. I spent a summer at a farm camp when I was seven or eight in the company of a 45-year-old pony (if you don't know, that's REALLY OLD in pony years) named Checkers. Checkers was pretty awesome. He was all gray in the face and ambled around and munched on things and was very friendly towards everyone. I'm only sorry that Checkers' memory is being tainted by candy-colored zoophiles. Fuck you guys.