I have these days where I figure I must be a sociopath of some sort, and my hatred for my fellow human burns bright and merry in my heartless interior. Excuse the lofty monologue, I'm watching a special on the Civil War and they all talk like that and it's rubbing off on me.
But seriously, I do hate people.
There are particular traits in people that I find unbearable. To make them more bearable, and to lash out in a wonderfully passive-aggressive way, I made these. They're little info cards of people I hate, complete with vital statistics so others can learn to avoid these horrible specimens of sub-humanity. They aren't terribly well done, having been created in a fit of misanthropic rage, and yes, these are based on real people that I actually know.
First is The Merry Foole
Habitat: The Merry Foole is, unfortunately, at home everywhere, but he prefers folk music festivals and Renaissance Faires
Can Be Seen With: Large-brimmed hat decorated with feather, outdated musical instrument played with rudimentary skill, patchwork everything, dubious facial hair
Diet: Berries and nuts and a good draught of hearty ale
Musical Taste: Faux-medieval caterwauling
Fancies Himself: Terribly clever, mischievous, brilliantly unconventional, irresistible to the fairer sex, possessed of captivating musical skill
Is Actually: Fairly predictable, affected, socially awkward, dull, pretentious
Can Be Found In The Company Of: Fat girls in corsets who titter at his limericks
Activities: singing, rhyming, prancing, invading space
Wishes: It were the year 1125 (factual historical knowledge is not his strong point), to score with all the damsels
Doesn't Understand: Sarcasm
Role Models: Every "Foole" character in every Shakespeare play
Then we have The Furry Sidekick. I hate this person a lot, lot more. This person, in real life, is 24 goddamn years old. Seriously.
Habitat: Childrens' musicals, near a TV when Dragon Tales is on, holed up in a bedroom reading manga
Can Be Seen With: Overalls, striped socks, furry animal ears/tails, perpetually insipid facial expression
Diet: Ramen, candy, Ramune soda
Musical Taste: anime intro songs, show tunes, J-Pop
Fancies Herself: Adorable, impossible to dislike, necessary, a cartoon character, is full of childlike wonder
Is Actually: Nauseating, shrill, age-inappropriate, extremely annoying, usually harboring some deep-seated psychological issues
Can Be Found In The Company Of: Anyone who will give her attention, or hopping around the perimeter of a group looking for said attention
Activities: Squealing, meowing, chirping, making fan-art and -fiction, trying hard to ignore the scarier aspects of adulthood
Wishes: Her ears and tail were real, that she could be 5 forever, to find a hot cartoon guy of her very own, that she didn't have to think about being an adult
Doesn't Understand: Why people don't want to be around her, what is and is not age appropriate, the scary dark grown-up feelings deep down inside
Role Models: Pikachu, and every furry sidekick in every anime ever produced
So I was a real dick and posted these to deviantART, which will, if they ever see it, offend all the chirpy high school girls who pine over Sebastien Michaelis (not the real one--he was a dick), and wear kitty ears. But they need to know. They need to know it's not acceptable past the age of sixteen. Real Furry Sidekick is a friend of friends, so I have to be all tactful when in their company. This is how it comes out. I've clearly got aggression issues.
But that's okay. At least I don't meow in public.